Her milkshake brings all the boys to Carls.

June 3rd, 2009 5:00 pm by Kelly Garbato

Okay, so this commercial advertising a new line* of “real milk / real ice cram” milk shakes technically comes from Hardee’s, but hells bells, they’re identical franchises (right down to the logo) belonging to the same company. *Shrug* So sue me.
 


 
The thirty-second spot shows a nondescript white dude – your normal Hardee’s customer, I would assume – “shaking” a “dairy” cow. The idea being, of course, that he’s whipping up the milk inside the cow in order to make a milkshake.

Or, to put it more succinctly, the cow is but a mere container for the milk inside her. She is a milk container. Nope, no sentience there! (Sound familiar?)

Of course, one can’t exactly pick up a cow and shake her like a milk carton, so nondescript white dude is instead forced to act out the “shake” on her body, i.e., by kind of shimmying her skin to and fro. Which he does while dancing – not with her, exactly, but on her – to a rap/R&B number. The result being that it looks as though dude is “housing” (or dirty dancing or whatever teh kidz r calling it nowadays; holy Jebus am I getting old) with a cow. It’s all strangely obscene.

To make matters worse, the short video features at least one gratuitous close-up of the cow’s udders (read: cleavage), and the dancer slaps her on the ass, to boot. And, um, did I mention that said slap is accompanied by the sound of a whip, BDSM style? *shudder*

But wait! It gets worse! Behold: the techno version!


 


 
There’s even – urg – a “Cow Shake Off”:
 

 
To be fair, that last one was created, not by Hardee’s, but by a “fan.” Although, I actually think that’s worse, in that it suggests that there’s actually an audience for this dreck.

I also find it interesting that much of the shaking and slapping is clearly over-exaggerated, to the point that it’s obvious that dude isn’t touching Ms. Cow with much force, if at all – probably to underscore the fact that no animal abuse is taking place. And yet, milk production is built on animal abuse and exploitation, an endless cycle of forced pregnancy and birth, followed by the theft of one’s child and milk, and then more forced pregnancy and birth. Rinse, lather, repeat. That is, until a cow’s body is depleted, at which point she’s sent to slaughter.

You know, I had a difficult time classifying this video at first; the cow is obviously being transformed into a sex object here (albeit a humorous one), but the commercial doesn’t quite seem to fit into the “sexy meat” category. Except, maybe it does: most humans, upon looking at a cow, see nothing but a plate of steak or a hamburger in the making. Sure, our dear “dairy” cow may be a milk machine now, but she’s destined to become “meat” later. One an animal’s been enslaved by/in the system, there’s little hope for escape.

Then again, the element of death – usually embodied by a lifeless animal corpse – just isn’t there. Instead of the eroticization of death, we have the eroticization of exploitation. Sexy torture, then? Wait, no, that’s BDSM. Sexy non-consensual torture, perhaps?

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* Well, “new” when the commercial was released, seemingly two summers ago. Hey, I never claimed to be timely, just snarky and grumpy.

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