One step forward, two steps back.

August 15th, 2013 2:32 pm by mad mags

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On Tuesday and I Shane traveled south of the city, to donate Ralphie and Kaylee’s unused medications to Wayside Waifs. While we were out, we also ran some errands and hit up a few used book stores, in a halfhearted attempt to fill the dog-shaped hole in my heart. Also because I love books and we’ve neither a library (it keeps getting voted down free e-mail! even though KCMO preemptively extended us borrowing privileges! boooooo!) nor a book store (used or otherwise) in my town.

It was a rather emotional day, to say the least…especially considering that, the last time I went shopping in the Leawood/Overland Park area, it was when we still lived in the area. Circa 2008 or so, back when Ralphie and Kaylee were alive and kicking. We stopped in the same Sam’s Club store we frequented when we lived in Stilwell, and visited the used book store in the JoCo library branch closest to our old place herunterladen. It was trippy enough, revisiting out old haunts, without thinking about how much things have changed. How much our family has changed. New members added, old friends lost. I wish I could go back in time and relive it all again…but even if that were possible, the ending would always be the same. Pain and death and misery do not whatsapp video. And yet I’d do it a million times over.

Unloading Ralphie and Kaylee’s medications was difficult, too – both a relief and yet oddly depressing. Among their meds were the standard, long-term stuff – L-Thyroxin for Ralphie’s hypothyroidism and needles for his allergy shots; Salix and Enalapril for Kaylee’s heart murmur, and denamarin, which she’d just started taking for her liver in March* – as well as the recently acquired medical supplies for their kidney problems: prescription k/d food, bags of SQ fluids, and the like can beed from audible.

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The dogs’ cabinet looked so empty minus Ralphie and Kaylee’s things that we actually kept the bottles for the L-Thyroxin, Salix, and Enalapril, along with a pill each, so that they’ll always be there, with us in spirit or memory or whatever you want to call it. Long after the ink has worn away. Ralphie’s antigens are unusable – each batch is custom made for the patient – so there they sit, in their permanent home in the butter dish in the fridge zoom app downloaden laptop.

I’d been both anticipating and dreading the planned donation of the kidney-related supplies, which for months have been mocking me from their place in the pantry. They’ve been a constant reminder of Ralphie and Kaylee’s last days – but in ridding myself of them, I can’t escape the feeling that I let yet another piece of them slip away from me fortnite auf windows herunterladen. Forever. Silly, I know; the prescription food is no more a part of Kaylee than was her feeding tube, which I insisted that the veterinary techs remove (“It’s not a part of her and I don’t want it cremated with her, polluting her remains!”). But grief isn’t easily reasoned with, I suppose. Fact is, I feel both lighter and heavier now that this task is done.

We probably could have returned some of the items – the SQ fluids and k/d food, at least – for a refund, but that felt…wrong. No, I’d rather they go to help another animal – someone else’s Ralphie or Kaylee – in need. Just another desperate attempt to give their deaths a greater meaning. Everything we went through – it has to count for something, right?

I hung onto Kaylee’s anti-depressants, too.

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Not because I plan on taking them myself – frankly, I don’t think there’s enough to make any noticeable difference – but because that’s something that she and I share.

Shane was a little nervous, bringing me within ten miles of an animal shelter. Luckily (for him), Wayside was temporarily closed due to some sort of outbreak. One of the workers spotted him at the door, though, so no need for a return trip. I’m not sure I would have had the strength to do that again any time soon.

On the bright side, I got to stop by a Half Priced Books and check a few items off my wishlist: some Octavia Butler (Kindred; Wild Seed), Margaret Atwood (Oryx and Crake), Ursula LeGuin (A Fisherman of the Inland Sea; The Wind’s Twelve Quarters; Rocannon’s World), Joanna Russ (The Female Man; And Chaos Died; Picnic On Paradise), and Markus Zusak (I Am The Messenger), along with Mira Grant’s Feed trilogy and quite a bit of Philip K. Dick, which everyone keeps insisting I’ll like. I forgot to redeem my damned coupon, though! Two days later, and I’m still kicking myself in the ass.

But books. They won’t help me miss Ralphie and Kaylee any less, but the temporary escapism they provide will have to do.

* I can still remember that phone call like it was yesterday. Kaylee had just been the the vet for her annual checkup and senior bloodwork the week before. The results showed some slight abnormalities in her liver, for which she was prescribed Denamarin. Our vet called Shane to let him know, he in turn interrupted me while I was vacuuming the house to tell me the news. I was listening to the final book in Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series at the time; it was Eddie’s death scene, in fact. So I was already highly emotional. Also, I usually get super-cranky while cleaning the house, and Shane knows better than to bother me. So when he did my mind immediately thought the worst. I thought Kaylee was dying instead of just getting another medication added to her roster. Nope, the dying part came six weeks later. That girl and the feelings she made me feel.

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