Carbs & Rec: You Just Got JAMMED! Kolaches (and a Jeremy Jamm Gif Dump)

September 26th, 2014 12:37 pm by Kelly Garbato

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You guys. I have a confession to make. I’m kinda sorta in love with Jeremy Jamm. The character, not the person, because that would be gross.

(Also, I may or may not have set the top image to my desktop background. Jump down to the botton of this post for a bigger, badder, Jammier version.)

As one of Pawnee’s council members and a local dentist/businessman, Councilman Jamm represents all that’s wrong with American politics: corruption, bribery, backroom dealing, $$$. He’s racist and sexist (though not as quaintly so as some of the older councilmen). He uses his public position for personal profit. He can frequently be seen trading his votes for favors (such as when Leslie had to promise to buy Invisalign from Dr. Jamm in exchange for his vote in favor of extending the community pool’s hours). He is unequivocally, unabashedly horrible: a petty, self-absorbed man.

And yet. He’s the kind of villain you love to hate. It’s like Robert McDonnell, Lindsey Graham, and Paul Ryan all rolled into one odious, fictional little package. (Emphasis on fictional.)

Remember that time Leslie and Jamm performed a karaoke duet of “Summer Nights,” but with the gender roles reversed? OF COURSE YOU DO!

This is easily one of my all-time favorite moments. Amy Poehler does a mean scumbag Travolta impression. I’m actually kind of pissed that I can’t find a full-length version online. NBC, get on that!

Much of the credit, no doubt, goes to Jon Glaser, the actor who’s portrayed Jamm since his introduction in Season Five. I haven’t seen him much outside of Parks & Rec, but he was amazaballs (and I mean that literally) in a recent ep of Inside Amy Schumer.

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If I could go out on a limb (twig? get it?) for a moment, dare I say he’s the single most under-appreciated character on Parks & Rec, at least if the dearth of fan-made videos are any indication. Like, I was hoping to find at least one montage of his very smarmiest “You just got Jammed!” moments, but…nada. The best I could do was the Michael Jackson mashup at the top of this post.

If I had madder A/V skills, I’d make my own montage. But no.

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Get it together, Garbato!

Ahem.

Instead, I have dusted off my well-loved copy of The Vegan Cookie Connoisseur in order to make a batch of “You Just Got JAMMED!” Kolaches.

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I was crazy tempted to recreate the Jam Swirl Coffee Cake from Vegan Brunch, which I baked last year to represent the letter J in my alphabetical VeganMoFo theme. (It was SO GOOD!!!!) But the Kolaches ended up being a better fit since, as Shane so tactfully pointed out, their resemblance to female genitalia make them ripe for lewd sexual jokes. Which is so Jamm, natch.

But back to the Kolaches. The recipe is incredibly simple, with just five ingredients. The hardest part is coaxing the sides of the cookies to stay curled toward the center while they bake. The instructions tell you to “Fold two opposite sides of each cookie to the middle so that the edges touch.” What they should say is for you to pinch them together until they become one. Otherwise. Well, see for yourself.

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At least half of my cookies ended the baking cycle in their original flat positions.

That’s okay, though! They were just as tasty as their fancy fluted cousins.

Actually, if you want to make this recipe even easier on yourself, don’t even bother folding the cookies! Just leave them flat and smother them with jam.

All while muttering to the dough, “You just got JAMMED!,” “Baker Jammed!,” “Jamm on!,” or some variation thereof. (Trust me! It’s fun!)

And now I leave you with the promised Jeremy Jamm gif dump, seeing as we’re nearing the end of Carbs & Rec and (spoiler alert!) will not be seeing him again.

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2 Responses to “Carbs & Rec: You Just Got JAMMED! Kolaches (and a Jeremy Jamm Gif Dump)”

  1. Carbs & Rec: You Just Got JAMMED! Kolaches (and a Jeremy Jamm Gif Dump) » V for Vegan: easyVegan.info | The <spb> Says:

    […] Carbs & Rec: You Just Got JAMMED! Kolaches (and a Jeremy Jamm Gif Dump) » V for Vegan: easyVega…. […]

  2. Cadry Says:

    Yes! I love this one! I prefer Jeremy Jamm in small doses, and I think there have been times when he’s been overdone on the show. (It’s kind of like the Dean on Community. I adore him, but he should be like a squeeze of lemon – used sparingly for delicious effect.) However, I really enjoyed him last season. And these kolaches look divine!

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