Archive: January 2020

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Book Review: My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell (2020)

Tuesday, January 28th, 2020

This isn’t a love story.

five out of five stars

(Full disclosure: I received a free e-ARC for review through Edelweiss. Trigger warning for sexual harassment, rape, pedophilia, child abuse, drug use, and suicide.)

Fiona Apple was raped when she was twelve years old. I remember her talking about it in interviews back when I was twelve years old. She spoke about it so openly, the r-word coming out of her as though it were the same as any other windows essentials 2012 download for free. It happened outside her apartment; the whole time the man did what he did, she could hear her dog barking through the door. I remember crying over that detail while hugging our old shepherd dog, hot tears that I buried into his fur. I had no reason to care about rape then—I was a lucky kid, safe and securely loved—but that story hit me hard. Somehow I sensed what was coming for me even then. Really, though, what girl doesn’t? It looms over you, that threat of violence. They drill the danger into your head until it starts to feel inevitable. You grow up wondering when it’s finally going to happen.

“I tortured him,” I say. “I don’t think you understand how much I contributed to everything gif to download. His whole life descended into hell because of me.”

“He was a grown man and you were fifteen,” she says. “What could you have possibly done to torture him?”

For a moment I’m speechless, unable to come up with an answer besides, I walked into his classroom. I existed. I was born.

“I just feel . . .” I press the heels of my hands into my thighs. “I can’t lose the thing I’ve held on to for so long. You know?” My face twists up from the pain of pushing it out. “I just really need it to be a love story. You know? I really, really need it to be that.”

At the height of the Harvey Weinstein sexual assault shitstorm, I was living in a rural area in the midwest: a swath of deep blood red in an already overwhelmingly red state. Guns, God, and (when it suits them) small government. The kind of place where everyone just assumes that everyone else agrees with them, on all the things, all the time old ios version. (Spoiler alert: I never did. A year out, I’ve found that I miss the weather; the politics, not so much.)

Anyway, I was visiting with a neighbor and the television just happened to be on, and the reporter just happened to be talking about Weinstein. The neighbor, an older conservative lady, could have chosen to ignore the news; she didn’t. Instead, she reacted with what was, to me at least, unexpected vehemence – directed not at Weinstein, but his accusers. (I guess Weinstein’s white male privilege trumped his liberal Hollywood elite status in her calculations.) Cue the rape apologism: Why did the women wait so long to come forward? If he was so bad, why did everyone continue to work with him? If true, how could this behavior continue for so long, unchecked? Etc., etc., etc.

Naturally, I disagreed, and the conversion quickly morphed into a larger discussion of sexual harassment and abuse 3sat mediathek downloaden. Come to find out, when she was a teenager – back in, oh, the 50s or 60s – she worked stocking shelves at a small, family-owned grocery store. Her boss was a creepy ass motherfucker who used to sexually harass his female employees. Among other things, he’d insist on stuffing her wages into her jeans pocket himself. If she wanted to get paid what she was owed, she had to acquiesce to being groped and fondled (read: sexually assaulted) by a man who was likely twice her age or older. Nice.

Yet even as she acknowledged that this behavior was unacceptable, she denied that she was a victim (or survivor, or what have you; the issue was not terminology), or that sexual harassment, assault, and rape are widespread problems iso bestand downloaden. It was infuriating, but I also saw a disturbing logic in it: no one wants to be a victim; to be a victim is to be weak, vulnerable, and exposed. Why identify with the prey when you can side with the predator – and, in so doing, perhaps absorb some of his strength and power, make it your own? Of course THOSE WOMEN are lying; the alternative means that they are victims, and if they are victims, perhaps that makes me one too?

This is what played through my mind, on an endless loop, as I devoured My Dark Vanessa. Yes, devoured: though it is an impossibly difficult book to read, Russell’s writing – compassionate, insightful, shrewd AF – makes it go down just a bit easier gta san andreas free ios. This might just be one of the “best” (read: most observant) fictional books on rape that I’ve ever read. (Sadly, I have read quite a few.)

Vanessa Wye is just fifteen when she meets her longtime abuser, Jacob Strane. At the beginning, he is simply her English teacher: a bespectacled middle-aged (forty-two, to be exact) employee at the private Browick School in Norumbega, Maine. She’s a sophomore who’s interested in poetry; he’s a pedophile who quickly confesses that he’s going to “ruin” her. Thus begins a seventeen-year “relationship” (scare quotes because it’s more accurately described as long-term abuse, even if the narrator resists seeing it this way) between the two app herunterladen youtube videos.

The story is told by Vanessa, in two timelines: now, which is 2017, as Strane stands accused of sexual assault by multiple former students; and then, at the beginning of the school year in 2000. The story slowly progresses from both points, exploring the sexual abuse and its fallout, eventually converging in the here and now. (Interestingly, in the Acknowledgements, Russell says that the book took her eighteen years to write, which is roughly the timeline of My Dark Vanessa.)

Strane’s selection of Vanessa is hardly random: she’s shy, unsure of herself, a bit of a loner. She had a falling out with her best (and only) friend and roommate, Jenny, near the end of last semester, and she hasn’t yet recovered from the loss. She isn’t particularly close to her parents, and they live a few hours away from the school anyway. Strane doesn’t need to separate her from the herd, as she already stands apart (though he does excel at driving wedges too) herunterladen.

Though she has, through necessity, romanticized the abuse – both in real time, as it was happening, as well as retrospectively – it’s pretty easy for an outsider to see what’s going on. Strane grooms Vanessa, pushes an ever-expanding series of boundaries, and gaslights, stalks, threatens, and otherwise manipulates her. When he’s on the precipice of exposure, Strane has no qualms about throwing Vanessa under the bus – a move that smacks of premeditation.

Yet he has made Vanessa so utterly dependent on him – for attention, approval, and affection – that she cannot move on: not when she leaves Browick for home and public school; not when she reaches legal adulthood and goes off to college; and not as an adult. Strane has, as he promised, “ruined” her. (Though, thankfully, not beyond repair.) As Vanessa so desperately admits to her therapist, she needs for this to be a love story, because the alternative is too horrible to imagine google document herunterladen.

Despite her protestations that she is not a victim, that what Strane did to her was not rape, we can see the toll the abuse has taken on Vanessa: again, both then and now. Anyone with even a passing knowledge of abuse will see the signs; for example, how Vanessa freezes up and dissociates from herself during the assaults. As a young adult and adult, she acts out sexually, engages in risky behaviors, and uses alcohol and drugs to cope. She very clearly suffers from PTSD. All of which belies her insistence that she was an equal and willing partner.

(In fact, statutory rape is not the only instance of assault Vanessa is subjected to by Strane; there are multiple scenes in which she either does not voice her consent, actively says no, cries in fear and pain, and/or is inebriated to the point that she loses consciousness.)

Russell does an excellent job of exposing Strane – and, by extension, all rapists – for what they are: misogynists who get off on subjugating women and girls sciebo ordner herunterladen. Rather than existing in a vacuum, they are symptom of a larger problem: a culture that makes excuses for powerful men (or any man), that dismisses and trivializes and denies sexual harassment and assault, and that hates women. Strane is but one in a long line of weak, pathetic men who are deserving of nothing but our scorn. His ultimate fate proves more than he deserves (and isn’t that always the way in this world?).

As for Vanessa, she can admittedly be frustrating at times. And, while it can be tempting to blame her for her obstinance (particularly when she attacks Strane’s other victims), mostly I just felt sorry for her: how do you even begin to heal when you cannot admit that you were even wronged? Russell gets mad points for portraying what could be, in the wrong hands, an unrelateable or even unlikable character, and infusing her with depth and nuance to further understanding and foster compassion. As far as psychological studies go, Vanessa Wye is a tour de force.

I also really enjoyed how the early-aughts setting grounded the story in my own childhood; the bits about Fiona Apple really connected with me, and I outright snorted when Vanessa (in her inner monologue only, natch) derided Strane for being the stupid one for not knowing who Britney Spears is (rather than Vanessa, for deigning to listen to that pop culture garbage). This all brought me back to my own teen years, and not always in a good way. We all have stories: “It looms over you, that threat of violence. They drill the danger into your head until it starts to feel inevitable. You grow up wondering when it’s finally going to happen.”

(This review is also available on Amazon, Library Thing, and Goodreads. Please click through and vote it helpful if you’re so inclined!)

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Wednesday, January 22nd, 2020
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Book Review: Dangerous Games to Play in the Dark by Lucia Peters (2019)

Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

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four out of five stars

(Full disclosure: I received a free copy of this book for review through Library Thing’s Early Reviewers program.)

Flashlights world mosaics kostenlosen vollversion. Darkened rooms. The chanting of names, of mantras, of mysterious incantations. Giggles in the dark – some out of bravery, others out of bravado fernsehsendungen komplett herunterladen. Dares. Challenges. Ghosts.

You might be familiar with them: the kinds of games you play at sleepovers, around the campfire, or on the playground – more rituals than games, really – meant to summon spirits, communicate with supernatural beings, or otherwise connect with a realm beyond our own herunterladen. You may have learned these games from your older friends or siblings, or out of books found in dusty and forgotten corners of the library – books like this one, perhaps facebook albums android. You might not be convinced the games will actually work, believing them to be simply stories or urban legends – but when you play, you hope all the same that this time, maybe something will happen adobe flash player für ipad kostenlos. You’ll fall into a trance. You’ll defy the laws of nature. You’ll look into a mirror and see not your own reflection, but the shape of someone … or something … else dailymotion kostenlosen.

In Dangerous Games to Play in the Dark, Lucia Peters shares twenty-four spooky games you can play at your next sleepover, Halloween party, or Supernatural viewing party – the options are endless rettungskarte adac herunterladen. Each game includes a brief history about its origins, along with step-by-step instructions, a list of materials, additional warnings (open flames + mild scares = a fire risk, for obvious reasons), risk level, and objectives and rewards die sims hot date download kostenlos.

The games are roughly divided into different categories, including:

Party Games
– Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board
– The Answer Man
– The Picture Game
– The Games of One Hundred Ghost Stories, or Hyakumonogatari Kaidankai

Summoning Spirits
– Bloody Mary
– Blue Baby, Baby Blue
– Lady Spades
– The Hosting Game

High-Stakes Hide-and-Seek
– The Midnight Game
– Hide-and-Seek Alone, or Hitori Kakurenbo
– The Bath Game, or Daruma-san
– The Candles Game

Long, Strange Trips
– The Doors of Your Mind
– The Elevator Game
– Closet to Another World
– The Black Telephone Game

Contacting the Other Side
– The Closet Game
– Musical Chairs Alone
– The Corner Game
– The Sister, Sister Game, or Sara Sarita

Games of Knowledge
– The Red Book Game
– The Compass Game
– The Fortune Game
– The Playing Card Game

Dangerous Games to Play in the Dark is a really handsome gift book, with red-edged pages; an attractive, embossed black, red, and white cover; and matching interior artwork world pat kostenlosen. Some of the instructions could be a little clearer, but overall they’re easy enough to follow. I would’ve liked more detailed background on some of the games, but the book does have a short list of resources at the end.

My only complaint – and forgive me while I show my age here – is that the type is teeny tiny and very difficult to read. It’s eight point, tops. Maybe spring for the ebook so you can adjust the font size and read along in the dark to boot?

(This review is also available on Amazon, Library Thing, and Goodreads. Please click through and vote it helpful if you’re so inclined!)

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Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

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Book Review: The Living (Warm Bodies #3) by Isaac Marion (2018)

Tuesday, January 14th, 2020

This is the Warm Bodies ending we deserve.

five out of five stars

(Full disclosure: I received a free e-ARC for review through NetGalley.)

We are ten thousand generations of humans and millions more of simpler things, a vast history of lives and experiences condensed like an ocean of oil, growing deeper and more refined with each new moment of beauty. We want to ignite. We want to be heat and light. After billions of years, we are running out of patience.

“What we had before is what burned the world down spiele kostenlos herunterladen durak. I’m ready for a whole new everything.”

“Chairs on the ceiling,” Tomsen adds. “An otter for president.”

Gebre looks at us for a moment, then tosses up his hands and turns back to his husband. “Well. Okay.”

Gael erupts with laughter. “You’re out of touch with the youth, old man.”

“I might even agree with them,” Gebre says with a shrug, “but they’re hardly representative of the general population.”

“We might be someday,” Julie says. “Maybe sooner than you think.”

“How do we make a better world without giving up a single piece of the old one herunterladen? We don’t. We can’t. That’s a fucking stupid question.”

“No way around it, zombies are magic.”

Warm Bodies is a personal favorite of mine; if not in the top ten, then definitely the top twenty. (Hey, the likes of Margaret Atwood and Octavia Butler = stiff competition!) Until I met R. and Julie, never did I imagine that a book about the undead could be so beautiful and poetic. Romantic, even, and in a revolutionary, universal heartbeat kind of way.

The Burning World proved a letdown (albeit a teeny tiny one), as Marion traded some of the ardor for action adventure; it felt almost like an intermission between the more important stuff lebenslauf muster zumen kostenlos. In all fairness, bridging the gap between the beginning and end of a trilogy is HARD, and the second book in the series is still filled with its share of beautiful, transformative moments. (I challenge you to find a more tragically exquisite scene than when Nora’s patient, Mrs. A, pulls herself from the pit of the plague, only to succumb to her injuries after enjoying a few brief moments of her newfound humanity.)

I’m not gonna lie: I was nervous as heck to read The Living (especially right after the dumpster fire that was Fury, the series conclusion to another one of my faves, Menagerie).

Thankfully, The Living is a harmonious marriage of the previous two books: it’s got the race-against-time action-adventure chops of The Burning World, with all of the humor, heart, and humanity that made me fall head over heels for Warm Bodies herunterladen.

The Living picks up immediately after the events of The Burning World, as R., Julie, Nora, Marcus, and (Huntress!) Tomsen flee an imploding NYC. What ensues is a road trip across the United States – including an especially precarious and trippy (as in LSD) journey through the Midwaste – as they try to beat Axiom to Post; save their kids from being assimilated into Axiom’s military-industrial complex; continue to spread the Gleam to the Dead and Nearly Living; and confront their pasts.

For Julie, this means finding her Nearly Living mother before she dies a second time; for Nora, it means confronting – and perhaps forgiving – memories she’s tried long and hard to repress; and for R., it involves a trip to the basement, and bringing his crimes against humanity – as both the head of the Burners and the heir to the Atvist megacorp – to light herunterladen galerie. And they’re all chasing Tomsen’s white whale, BABL, hoping to bring it crashing down, thus opening the lines of communication to humanity.

One of the delights of The Living is watching R. grow and evolve – and with it, his relationship with Julie. There’s this wonderful scene where Julie confesses that what first drew her to R. was his distinct lack of a background or baggage. He was a blank canvas on which she could project whatever she needed. Slowly, though, he has become full-fledged person – imperfections and all herunterladen. R. didn’t have much of a choice when he devoured Perry; he was just following the plague’s biological imperative. But the towns that were consumed at his behest as a Burner, and the humans devoured by the machine that was Axiom? Those were R.’s doing. How could that young man grow into the monosyllabic zombie that Julie fell in love with? How can she reconcile the man she loves with the person he once was? How can he?

We also learn more about the nature of the plague; in general terms, it’s an allegory for the times we live in now, and one that’s perhaps more apt today than when the series began age of empires 4 full version free german. The plague is forced unity and conformity; it is greed and pessimism. It is Axiom (Amazon, Blackwater, Purdue Pharma; Bethany Christian Services, CoreCivic, Wells Fargo): objectifying, tabulating, assimilating, corporatizing, mechanizing, consuming, regurgitating, and reassembling humans, nonhumans, and the natural world. It is apathy and stagnation; bigotry and tyranny. The only way through it? Love – and otter presidents.

The loveliest part of The Living, far and away, is the Library: a subconscious, supernatural, subatomic collective consciousness. A vast, limitless record of everyone and everything that ever has been, and ever will be. Though it has a longstanding policy of steering clear of human affairs, the state of the world has become such that the Library can no longer bear silent witness testament vorlage kostenlos downloaden. This burning world, so desolate yet still so full of potential, needs a nudge. A bit of wisdom. A tiny miracle.

And the so Library whispers, cajoles, and calls out to our protagonists. Well, the older ones; the younger ones, Joan and Alex and Sprout and Addis – they can flit in and out of the stacks at will. They are able to sip and guzzle from the Library’s incomprehensible stores of knowledge whenever they like. Perhaps they can even use this wisdom to bend the laws of reality. They are the next generation; our future.

I hope they don’t mind, but I’m going to pocket a small piece of the Library, and slip it into my own weird, godless magpie version of “religion, not quite a.” There it will rest on the shelves alongside Octavia E tip toy herunterladen. Butlers’s Parables duology; Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials; Carl Sagan’s starstuff; Aaron Freeman’s essay, “You want a physicist to speak at your funeral”; and pieces of Light from Other Stars and The Psychology of Time Travel, by Erika Swyler and Kate Mascarenhas, respectively, and among other things.

It’s strange and perhaps a bit confusing, but also as magnificent as all get out. Just roll with it and you’ll have an extraordinary time, I promise.

Also awesome and compelling and worth a mention: Nora’s reunion with Addis; Nora + Marcus; Tomsen vs. BABL; The Suggestible Universe; Paul Bark (sounds an awful lot like Paul Blart!); Gael + Gebre; random philosophical debates with strangers in dive bars; and the feeling you get when a ghost smiles at you fortnite op xbox 360.

Gleam on.

(This review is also available on Amazon, Library Thing, and Goodreads. Please click through and vote it helpful if you’re so inclined!)

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Tuesday, January 14th, 2020