“If you and a chicken were in an airplane, and you crashed on a deserted island…” *

A few gems:

“I know he sexually assaulted someone but he does really good work.”

“That’s just some relationship drama. I’m not taking sides!”

“My last partner didn’t shave her legs. I really supported her.”

“With your hair pulled back like that, you really look like Frida Kahlo. I’d be honored to sleep with you tonight.”

(via)

The Vegan Pizza Day That Was Giveaway!

Hey friends! Do you love pizza? Of course you do! Now through Monday afternoon, take a pic of your vegan pizza and share it with us at fuck yeah vegan pizza for a chance to win one of three prize packages stuffed with goodies from Tofurky, Daiya, Lightlife, Gardein, Nasoya, Tofutti, Field Roast, Bob’s Red Mill, and Upton’s Naturals (for US & Canadian readers) or a ginormous box of vegan meats and cheeses from Redwood Foods (for mainland UK residents).

Even if you lose the giveaway, you still win at life! (‘Cause you got to make and share pizza, duh!)

(Too much shameless self-promotion? Never!)

I am a Pizza, by Charlotte Diamond

So I was searching for music for a pizza mix tape (NO I SHIT YOU NOT) and found this video on the youtubes. I’ve listened to it at least a dozen times now and the lyrics are stuck all up in my head. I sang it to Peedee and O-Ren during our afternoon walk in the park, but I don’t think they enjoyed it. Whatever, they’re dogs, they eat poo. Anyway it’s dope and you should totally give it a listen so that it sticks in your noggin too. Then I won’t be the only weirdo wandering the streets yelling “I AM A PIZZA!” at the top of her lungs.

Cheesy Penne Pizza

With mozzarella Daiya, sauteed carrots, mushrooms, garlic and tomatoes, and baked penne pasta, all on a fluffy white pizza crust. I have yet to write up a recipe, but basically you just make up a dish of your favorite oven-baked pasta and set aside a few cups (three? four?) for the pizza prior to baking it. (Two meals in one!) Layer it on top of some red sauce, top with a lil’ extra cheese, and bake the pizza as you would normally. Nom!

Extra-Easy Vegan Bisquick Cheese Pizza

Aside from using store-bought bread, this Bisquick pizza crust is about as easy as it gets! Because it doesn’t contain any yeast, you don’t need to let the dough rise at all. (Pizza in a pinch, anyone?!?) It also makes for a pretty foolproof thin crust recipe – what you see is what you get! Quick and yummy, and super-useful for those nights when you’re craving pizza but are in too of much of a hurry to make a proper dough. Definitely a keeper!

“Buttery” Bisquick Crust Pizza

Another Bisquick pizza, this time with a margarine/garlic sauce on the crust. Amazaballs! It tastes a lot like the incredible Cheddar Cheesy Garlic Biscuits I made for veganmofo, only all pizza-like. In fact, this whole series of Bisquick pizzas was inspired by the biscuits, which brings us to Bisquick pizza #3!

“Buttery” Bisquick Crust Pizza with Daiya Cheddar Cheese

In an effort to make the “Buttery” Bisquick crust pizza taste even more like the Cheddar Cheesy Garlic Biscuits that inspired it, Shane and I tried another version, this time topped only with red sauce, Daiya cheddar cheese and oregano (similar to the ingredients in the biscuits I so loved). The result? Delicious, hello! It’s a cheese pizza, what did you expect? Not necessarily better than the original, just slightly different. Especially since I so rarely eat plain cheese pizzas. I like to put veggies on my veggie, yo!

Pinkies

Like Twinkies, but with pizza foodstuffs! The dough is the same Bisquick concoction as my Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick; inside is a sliver of Follow Your Heart mozzarella cheese, and on top, a few slices of Lightlife Pepperoni. Serve with a side of piping hot marina sauce for dipping and voilà – bite-sized pizza appetizers!

These were totes Shane’s babies. I like the idea, but something about the combination of Bisquick pancake batter with tomato sauce didn’t sit right with me. But the pancakes with cheese and pepperoni? Delish. This one I might play around with a bit. It intrigues me.

Angel Wing Pizza!

Angel Wing Pizza! THIS IS WHAT ANGEL WINGS ARE MADE OF PEOPLE! VEGAN PIZZA!

Just joshing! This is a toaster oven pizza made with red sauce, Follow Your Heart mozzarella, and black olives, all on a store-bought roll slices in half. Gotcha though didn’t I?

Onion Roll Pizzas!

Same as above, but using onion “hamburger” rolls instead of wing-shaped ones. Quick and easy, and a delicious way to use up extra rolls before they go stale. Gotta love pizza in ten minutes or less!

Tomato & Sweet Corn Pizza

This is a simple pie, with red sauce, mozzarella Follow Your Heart, garden-fresh tomatoes, and sweet corn. Almost not worth mentioning – except for the most hilarious “negative” reaction it generated on tumblr. BEST HATE MAIL EVER!

Garlicky “Nooch” Cheese Pizza

Nutritional yeast cheese: unlike processed vegan cheeses, it’s cheap, widely available, and easy to make yourself! You can find “nooch” at most natural or health food stores (hint: look in the bulk foods section!), or order by the pound online. Add some water and seasonings and – voilà! – cheese sauce.

Lately Shane has been experimenting with different flavor combos; this is first of many concoctions. Okay, so maybe it does look like a cauliflower with a yeast infection (or alternately play dough play food) – but it tastes like cheesy pizza perfection! (Or so I’ve heard; I don’t really care for nooch myself. I KNOW I’M AWFUL!)

Chili “Nooch” Cheese Pizza

Another nooch cheese pizza! This one’s a bit spicier than its garlicky counterpart. Give it a try and let us know what you think!

Shane’s Pepperjcack “Chicken” Pizza

I never did get around to writing up a recipe for this one, but basically it’s just our go-to pizza crust, topped with red sauce, pepperjack Daiya cheese, and Boca chicken patties, which Shane buys by the cart full from Wal-Mart. Seriously, I think he keeps them in stock single handedly.

Thin Crust Mozzarella Pizza

…and the search for the perfect thin crust recipe continues! (Or at the very least a serviceable thin crust recipe!) This one actually does have some semblance of thinness about it. Not as thin as a piece of pita bread, but at least half the size of the puffy, fluffy white pizza dough we normally use. Also: delicious and relatively easy to make. No complaints here!

Triple Tomato Pizza

A cheesy triple tomato pita pizza with cheddar Daiya cheese and black and Kalamata olives! You can tell how long it’s been since the last pizza roundup, since this mini-pie features a ton of tomatoes fresh from my garden. (Including one tomato penis!)

Such a hot, delicious mess that you’ll need a full arsenal of cutlery to consume/consummate it! Even after carving it in two, it was a hands-off affair. Steamy hot veggie action, that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout.

What about y’all? What gets your pancakes flipping?

* Damn you military time! I keep accidentally scheduling posts for early morning instead of early afternoon. Insert sigh here.

Tune in to TLC tonight at 10PM (9 Central) to see how it’s done. If I’m not mistaken, this lady is saving up for some new ink, so I’m totally rooting for her.* Get ALL the vegan goodies for free!

* Upon seeing the abbreviated preview for tonight’s ep, I remember thinking, “Woman looks rad, but pffft, I bet she isn’t vegan.” Burn on me!
 

Ralphie! Everyone’s favorite one-eyed wiener dog turns fourteen years old today! FOURTEEN! He’s not old, he’s distinguished. Doubly so with all these surgical scars and skin tags and patches of missing fur. His motto? “Bitches dig scars.”

Hey, Rennie can’t get enough.

(Note peeping Peedee off in the background. Pervert! Nevermind that I’m photographing their intimate moment.)

Rolling with the weather, we celebrated his birthday a wee bit early this year. On Friday, I baked him a batch of Apple Cinnamon Muffins

and made him dress up in a silly hat -

but not before he got the first taste of his pre-birthday treat.

(The other six canines were pitching a fit, locked in the house away from mom and her nomz. I think Ralphie enjoyed that as well – almost as much as the muffins!)

The recipe, as (almost) always, is by Molly at Vegan Flower (formerly known as It’s A Vegan Dog’s Life). I especially enjoy her dog treat recipes because she gives variations for muffins, biscuits and bagels (!). Okay, so I rarely stray from muffins (so easy and no-hassle!), but it’s nice to have options! (ETA: She’s participating in veganmofo this year, so you should totes go show her some love!)

The batter proved a little dry for me – perhaps because I used my own homemade applesauce, which is thicker and chunkier than the store-bought stuff? – so I just added some extra applesauce and omitted the fresh apples entirely. If you want to make muffins but don’t have a mini pan, you can just drop the batter on a cookie sheet and bake as you would normally. This is also a nice option if your dog friends are smaller and can’t handle muffins (even miniaturized ones). Think: 10-pound Mags. I served these outside and had to let her back into the house so that she could eat her “ginormous” treat in peace, without the other dogs trying to thieve the crumbs. Tiny girl, tiny mouth. All sass.

But back to Ralphie, since this is supposed to be his mofo post!

Continuing with the birthday weekend festivities, we spent most of Saturday outside, basking in the ridiculously gorgeous weather. (83 and sunny! I like to think that it’s repayment for the 100-degree temps we suffered through in July and August.)

Sunday afternoon I unleashed him in the field behind our house, so he could dig his little heart out.

We have 20 acres of mixed pasture and forested land; the open fields are perfect for digging-slash-hunting, with plenty of stinky little critters burrowing through the dirt. (Don’t worry, Ralphie never catches anyone! At least, not when he intends to, and not in four years or more.) He can literally go for hours. On hotter days I bring a container of water and have to remind him to drink! Ralphie has even been known to hold up walks while he stops to play in the dirt.

This video is from last month, but it shows Ralphie rooting around in his favorite spots.

Shane cleaned up a bunch of the scrub around the fence line last weekend so that Ralphie would have a nice, open place to dig. I guess that was his present to the Ralphster. (And me, since there’s a bunch of poison ivy growing behind the mulch pile. I am crazy sensitive to plant life.)

Naturally, Ralphie chose an entirely different area in which to dig yesterday:

As soon as the rain lets up, I’ll take him for another walk/dig this afternoon. At least the ground will be a little softer for him. (Notice how he bites into the soil and rips it up with his teeth? That can’t be good for his pearly whites.)

Anyway, let’s close this thing out with more Ralphie. YOU CAN NEVER POST TOO MANY PICTURES OF A ONE-EYED WIENER DOG, amirite people?

Dumbo!
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“Daddy, look at meeeeeeee!!!!”
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Smiley Ralphie is smiley.
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“Nomz for me?”
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“Surely, there must be a catch?”
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Ralphie doesn’t trust me or the ceramic dinnerware.
“Treats shouldn’t be so damn noisy!”
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“Muffins are nice, but where’s my ice cream cake!?!”
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Happy birthday, Ralphie. We ♥ you!
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An Addendum

Dear Ralph,

Thanks so much for the “present” you left me in the bathroom this morning! And here I thought I was supposed to get you a gift!

xoxox

- Mom

Dashboard cookies!

I made a batch last month – when the mercury was approaching 100 degrees – and completely forgot to post about it! Hopefully it’s still hot enough where you live so you can try it out if your tummy desires. Or maybe not? Hot, humid weather is the worst. But cookies make it more bearable. Especially if you use ‘em to make ice cream sammies!

Anywho, dashboard cookies are exactly what they sound like: cookies baked on the dash of your car. It’s pretty simple; all you need is batch of vegan cookie dough, a sunny day that’s expected to hit at least 95 degrees F, an oven thermometer, some towels and a vehicle (duh!). Park your car directly in the sunlight (preferably first thing in the morning, so it heats up with the day) and, in the early afternoon, pop your cookies in to bake. Keep the car sealed up tight so as not to let any of the heat out and, after two to three hours, all the vegan cookies will be yours!

Sounds weird, but it really does work!

Here’s a nifty little tutorial from howcast;

Snarky Vegan, who first tipped me off to the practice, has a nice how-to guide up, too. (Much more timely than me, she. And with a cleaner car! By which I mean a clean car.)

Last but not least, here’s the recipe I used. In a car or in an oven, it’s delish!

Chewy Chocolate Chip Dashboard Cookies

(Recipe courtesy of Compassion Over Killing.)

Ingredients

1 cup of softened soy margarine
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup soy milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 1/4 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
12 ounces dairy-free chocolate chips

Directions

1. On a sunny day in which the temperature is expected to reach at least 95 degrees F, park your car in a sunny spot (i.e., one that is sunny and will stay sunny throughout the day) first thing in the morning. The front window should be facing the sun (or rather, where the sun will be positioned in the early afternoon). Be sure to place an oven thermometer on the dash so that you can monitor the temperature inside the car!

2. A little before noon – and assuming that the weather is still cooperating – prepare the cookie dough. In a large bowl, mix the margarine, sugar, and brown sugar until it’s light and fluffy. Slowly stir in the soy milk then add the vanilla to make a creamy mixture. In a separate bowl, combine the flour, salt, and baking soda. Add this dry mixture to the creamy mixture and stir well. Then fold in the chocolate chips.

3. Drop small spoonfuls onto greased, non-stick cookie sheets, or cookie sheets lined with aluminum foil.

4. Place the cookie sheets on your car’s dashboard, using a dark towel or other cover to protect your dash from damage. If your dash slopes forward like mine, you may need a small book or similarly sized object to even the surface out. If not, your cookies will slide forward! (Learn from my mistakes!)

5. Bake for two to three hours. A temperature of 180 degrees inside the car is ideal, but you can adjust your baking time accordingly. Don’t be afraid to check in at the two-hour mark. (But quickly! You don’t want to let too much heat escape into the ether!)

6. Be careful when removing the pans from your car. THEY WILL BE HOT! Potholders are a must.

7. Enjoy warm. Or cold! They’re you’re cookies, yo!

Happy not-baking, you little green cookie monster, you.

Stumbled upon the short film Traffic Warden while surfing the youtubes this afternoon. Shared for those of you who like fishes, Doctor Who, random acts of kindness, whimsy, and/or water fountain kissing.

Me? All of the above!

* Don’t forget to be awesome! (Read the comments!)

These straight edge vegan music videos are strangely hypnotic, I tell you what. The first few minutes my mind called out for a bong hit – somewhat antithetical to the straight edge part, but never you mind – but once I let go….yeah. The funk, bring it ON!

Dude also made versions for vegan lesbians and heterosexual men. I think that last one is my favorite; the sexual gestures representing fellatio come off more humorous and less creepy than those for cunnilingus, if you know what I mean. Around :45, I’m overcome with the same icky feeling as when elderly customers (men, natch) hit on a 19-year-old me, working her way through college at the natural foods store. No like!

Not too in love with the fur hag vid, though. Seriously, people, can we lay of the gendered insults already? I get one birthday wish, no takebacksies!

* Yeah okay so I know it’s kind of tacky and/or sad to wish yourself a happy birthday, but I DON’T CARE! ’cause I just HAD TO SHARE THIS VIDEO! For serious.

Oh yes he did. STEPHEN TOTALLY WENT THERE!
 

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The Colbert Report – Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Charles Manson Believes in Global Warming
Charles Manson makes the case for climate change, and Harvey Wayne Wilkes supports Obamacare and cannibalism. (03:26)