It’s beginning to smell a lot like FSMas! (and, reflections on Thanksgiving/living)

Thursday, December 4th, 2008

Adopt a Guinea Pirate!

Lifelong atheists, the Mr. and I have had an increasingly ambivalent relationship with Christmas. On the one hand, x-mas is undoubtedly *the* biggest holiday of the year – and yet, it’s also a very *religious* holiday, crass consumerism and Santa hats aside. July 4th, President’s Day, Flag Day, St. Patrick’s Day…no secular holiday can compare. Even Thanksgiving and Halloween carry religious connotations. Besides protesting the holiday by spelling it with an “x” instead of a “Christ” (the weakest of protestations, I might add), what’s a godless blasphemer to do, hmmm?

In ’06, we tried celebrating Festivus in conjunction with x-mas. Given that Festivus – having only appeared in one episode of Seinfeld – is a pretty sketchy holiday, our Festivus was “Festivus” in name only: we still decorated the house with a Christmas tree, red-green-gold-silver tinsel, stockings, Santas, etc., dressed the dogs in holiday apparel, and opened presents and devoured vegan eats on December 25th. What were we gonna do – display an aluminum pole and yell at one another over dinner? We weren’t kidding anyone: it was CHRISTmas, more or less.

Last year, I had an epiphany – why not celebrate FSMas instead? We could decorate the house with pasta and pirates, and perhaps even celebrate on a day other than the 25th. And that’s what we did – I made macaroni ‘garland’ by stringing pieces of penne together, hung maroon satin bulbs (soy balls) and red lights on the tree, framed photos of His/Her/Its Noodliness, made a pirate alter in the front window, and created festive mini Flying Spaghetti Monsters using tinseled pipe cleaners, pom poms and googly eyes. We ‘officially’ recognized the holiday on December 24, so we could lounge around and relax on the 25th. (In between phone calls home, of course.) The dogs dressed as pirates, and Kaylee posed for our FSMas card surrounded by gold doubloons and Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum.

We had so much fun that we’re doing the same this year, only bigger and better. I’m reusing many of the decorations I created last year, and hopefully I’ll find time to follow up on some other ideas (especially that Noodle House – like a Gingerbread House, but with lasagna and the like). While the general theme is pasta and pirates, I’ve kind of relaxed the rules a bit from last year. As a for instance, I stuck to red (red sauce) and gold (gold booty) tinsel last year, but am also including green (pesto sauce) and silver (silver booty) tinsel this year…because I’ve got a ton of the stuff. X-mas themed stuffed animals are also allowed out of the closet this year, but only if they agree to wear pirate hats, eye patches, and gold hooks. Pirates are again all the rage, but whereas “pirates” meant eye-patched, sea-faring thieves in ’07, the definition of pirates has expanded in ’08, to include much beloved space pirates as the crew of Serenity. (Where do y’all think we got the names Kaylee and Jayne, hmmm?)

Anyway, I’ll be blogging it all on Smite Me!, so if you’re interested, keep an eye out.

Also last year, we began a tradition of starting the FSMas decorating the weekend after Thanksgiving. Which got me thinking about Thanksgiving, and whether I want to recognize a holiday that commemorates the genocide of millions of Native Americans with the genocide slaughter of millions of birds at all. (Update, 11/30/10: Genocide is “the deliberate and systematic extermination of a” [group]. Clearly, the farming of animals including turkeys does not fit this definition. The attempted extermination of wolves in the U.S. by ranchers, though, is another story…)

I’ve never been a big fan of Thanksgiving; doubly so since I went vegetarian roughly 12 years ago. Those early years, spent at my father’s mother’s house, I was lucky if there was a dish or two I could eat. I was both allergic to milk and ethically repulsed by meat, so there were precious few foods suitable for my diet. Later on, the Tofurky worked its way into pop culture consciousness and onto our table. But even then, my options mostly consisted of the Tofurky, olives (which my grandmother, having lived through the Depression, rationed out as though they were caviar) and salad. Not exactly the stuff of a feast.

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Passive-Aggressive Proselytizing

Monday, October 20th, 2008

Last month, I gave away 100 or so bags of apples through freecycle. I think we divvied ’em up between five people, give or take. Everyone was rather nice and thanked us for the free food; one woman, heavy into canning and food preservation, even brought us a few jars of homemade salsa and apple butter, which was super cool of her.

A few weeks ago, I received a thank you card in the mail, from the last woman to pick up a load of apples. “What a nice gesture,” I thought, “I’ll have to keep her in mind for next year.” The sentiment lasted all of 30 seconds, until I actually opened the letter, only to find a Christian tract tucked inside.

Incidentally, the pamphlet was well-worn and even had a stain on the inside panel. Um…way to represent your God?

2008-09-26 - Passive-Aggressive Proselytizing on Freecycle

My initial inclination was to ignore the incident, but it was still bugging me last week. You see, I own the freecycle list in question, and proselytizing is strictly against the rules. I could have given her the boot, but I didn’t really think that kicking her out of the group would help her to better understand just how intolerant, intrusive and presumptuous her proselytizing is.

So instead, I grabbed some “propaganda materials” from http://www.venganza.orgtwo brochures and three flyers – stuffed ’em in a festive green envelope, and mailed them without comment.

The packet went out Wednesday; I expect the army of missionaries to arrive any day now.

Cannonball Carrie the Mosquito

Monday, June 9th, 2008

What be your pirate name, matey?

Here’s to a Noodley New Year

Thursday, January 3rd, 2008

1993-12-28 - MikeSpaghetti

Molested by pasghetti…the Pastafarian equivalent of a Catholic Church scandal?

Well, FSMas has come and gone, and I never quite got around to blogging all of the decorations I made. Or making all the decorations I’d wanted to, for that matter (lasagna house, where art thou?!). There’s always next year – and I promise to start earlier, since our festivities will actually be planned in advance. Shane’s already drawing up specs for a motorized pirate ship!

Given that 2008 is dubya’s last year in office (theoretically, at least), the liberal bloggers are all aflutter with hope and optimism and all that fluffy stuff. But not this featherhead. Oh, no. Especially not after the past few weeks’ election coverage.

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Merry FSMas, Mate!

Monday, December 24th, 2007

Yeah, it’s only the 24th. But the beauty of celebrating a made-up holiday is that you can celebrate it any mofo day you want!

2007-12-05 - Cpt Kaylee's Booty - 0024 [FSMas Card 15]

Only one dog made the FSMas card this year, since we couldn’t get more than three together for any one shot. Outtakes after the jump.

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Stop Global Warming: Become a Pirate (Party like it’s 1725!)

Saturday, December 22nd, 2007

It’s just not FSMas without pirates, mate!

If you’re worshiping the noodles-n-balls this year, don’t forget your pirate gear. That means you’d better stock up on eye patches, bandannas, gold doubloons, triangle hats, gold garland, black flags, jugs o’ Captain Morgan’s rum, and other pirate booty.

Being the tree huggers we are, the Mr. and I erected a glittery pirate display in the front window. Fuck the Baby Jebus and his lame-o Nativity Scene – we’ve got ice sheets to save!

2007-11-29 - FSMas Decorating - 0104

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lol kaylee realy licks presentz

Friday, December 21st, 2007

lol kaylee - fsmas



There are no false idols in frames lined with macaroni.

Wednesday, December 19th, 2007

No, seriously.

According to teh Wiki,

Idolatry is a major sin in the Abrahamic religions regarding image. It is usually defined as worship of any cult image, idea, or object, as opposed to the worship of a God. In religions where such activity is not considered as sin, the term “idolatry” itself is absent.

A search of the Church’s archives of saucy teachings turns up not even one instance of the word.

Hence, there are no false idols in these fantabulous macaroni-lined frames! Good thing, because I made them specifically to display His Noodliness’s visage this FSMas season.

2007-11-28 - Pasta Tree & FSMas Decor - 0063

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Holy Cannoli! It’s the Ghost of FSMas Past!

Monday, December 17th, 2007

2007-12-05 - FSMas Decorating - 0071

Coming to punish me – with a case o’ unholy heartburn, no doubt! – for my procrastination on the FSMas blogging front.

No worry! I should be finishing up the rest of my FSMas chores tonight – damn cards! – so blogging will resume shortly.

Until then, be touched.


His Noodliness sez, "Let ur freak flag fly!"

Thursday, December 13th, 2007

Look! Pirate flags! On Amazon! For just $5!

If you don’t have a flagpole out front, like moi*

2007-12-13 - Ice Storm - 0015

then you can always hang ’em somewhere inside instead.

2007-12-11 - FSMas Flags - 0005

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Community Bulletin Boards: The Ultimate in Shabby Chic Holiday Decor

Wednesday, December 12th, 2007

OK, so this diy FSMas idea is so simple, it’s pretty much self-explanatory:

2007-11-24 - FSMas Decorating - 0029

It’s a community bulletin board, baby!

Just buy (or make) a bulletin board, fill with FSM propaganda, and hang. Doesn’t get any easier than that.

Ours measures 2’x3′ and is made of cork with a wood frame. We requested – and actually received – ours on freecycle, but they don’t cost all that much at the store. Less still if you buy some cork board and frame it yourself.

The fliers are from (click on over to materials). For an extra-collegiate vibe, print up at least one with flier with tear-off tabs – and tear a few off yourself. (Or, if you’re uber-anal like me, neatly cut the tabs with scissors and fold them down/up for a 3D effect.)

Bonus: This is one decoration you can leave up year-round, either with your FSM fliers, or rotating the artwork through the seasons/holidays.

Garnish your Fridge with Love

Sunday, December 9th, 2007

After all, it is the great cooler which keeps His Noodliness’s remains fresh and edible. Kind of like Jesus’s tomb. Which would make your Tupperware the Shroud of Turin, I guess.

2007-11-29 - FSMas Decorating - 0058

In semi-seriousness, decorating your fridge (or filing cabinet or whathaveyou) is a fairly simple FSMas project.

Assuming, of course, you have the following:

* A photo printer (or a few days to order out at Sam’s or similar);
* A laminator (or the gas for a trip to Kinko’s or whatnot); and
* A hawt glue gun (this one you simply must buy, since it’s a necessity for like 96.666% of the craft projects I’m blogging).

Just head on over to – specifically, their graphics department – and download like crazy. (There’s also some great stuff on Flickr.) When you’re all right-clicked out, shrink your FSM bootay down to fridge size. Meaning, each photo should measure around 3-4″ at its widest/longest point. When you’re done, print your photos up, laminate them to keep the crud off (especially if they’re going on the fridge, source numero uno of crusty materials), and then hot glue magnets on the backs of each.

FYI: Make sure you stick with flat, even magnets, preferably the same size as the photos…uneven magnets sometimes show through.

Another idea is to reinvent new uses for old magnets; for example, I added some strategically placed pasta to make these lame Christian do-gooders into rockin’ FSMas angels:

2007-11-23 - FSMas Decorating - 0036

And if you’ll click through to view a larger version of that first picture, you’ll see that I also glued teeny tiny pasta pieces to a set of small magnetic frames I already had sitting around. Pop in some photos of Johnny Depp, and you’re good to go!

But wait! Where to get these magical magnets, you ask?

Well, if you don’t currently have any laying around the house, you’ll probably have to invest in some. Wal-Mart and the box stores sell ’em. You can even get magnetic strips that just peel and stick, if you’d rather forgo the glue gun.


Better still, if you’ve had the foresight/pack-rattiness to hoard save all those crappy magnets that have been accumulating in your junk drawer over the past year. You know the ones: adverts for your local accountant/insurance salesman/auto mechanic/Pizza Hut/abortionist (OK, so I’m kidding on that last one…if only!) that swarm your mailbox, oftentimes in those useless ValuPak packets. Rather than chuck them, save and cherish these pieces of ferrite gold, for they will one day support His Noodliness as he hovers on your fridge, offering blessings and oregano (or blessings of oregano) at mealtime.

Or, you can try Freecycle or Cragslist. I scored a whole shitload off of my local KCF list last year.

Magical FSMas Vagina, how I Love Thee!

Wednesday, December 5th, 2007

2007-11-29 - FSMas Decorating - 0036

Forgive the delay in posting the first of my FSMas Noodles-n-Balls decorating tips. I’ve been busy dressing my dogs up as pirates, getting them drunk on Captain Morgan’s Rum, and then snapping naughty pics under the FSMas tree. I’m sure you understand. And I’m doubly sure that this wondrous pasta vagina will more than make up for it.

You can create your own with a jumbo shell, a tomato fusilli, a piece of penne, a few inches of string, and a dollop of hot glue. Feminist perspective a plus.

A Month of Noodles and Balls

Saturday, December 1st, 2007


Jesus may be the reason…but His Noodliness makes it delicidoso!

Since the Mr. and I are atheists, we find it kinda hard to get into the Christmas spirit and all. But we love a party, and seeing as there aren’t really any big secular holidays to get excited about, we’ve been hesitant to scrap the idea of “x-mas” altogether. So we thought we might try celebrating His Noodliness instead of Santa and Rudolph. That’s right – it’s gonna be a Flying Spaghetti Monster-mas this year!

Now, you can’t exactly traipse into Wal-Mart and come out with a cart full of FSM decorations, so we’ve had to improvise.* Not easy, since we’re 1) starting from scratch and 2) not very crafty.** Even so, I think we done good.

We went shopping*** a few weeks before Tofurky Day, and came home with a fuckload of pipe cleaners, googly eyes, fake fruit, glue sticks, raffia, and string. Oh, and pasta. Can’t forget the pasta! (And if you happen to overbuy like we did, you can always eat the leftovers. Score!)

I started with the craft projects the day after t-day, and worked through the weekend. It takes way longer to string together penne garland and craft glittery Flying Spaghetti Monsters than you’d think. I didn’t get to actually put up the decorations until earlier this week, but that was a piece o’ cannoli compared to making them. We still have some odds and ends to take care of, but I’m almost ready to call it al dente.

Given all the work that’s went into my carbolicious masterpiece, it’d be a shame not to share. So stay tuned for future FSMas posts (they even have their very own category for easy browsing!). I was gonna do a whole “twelve days of FSMas” thing, but I’m not sure I can eke out twelve distinct decorating ideas. Instead, I’ll post ’em here and there as time allows. If you’re hungering to see what I’ve come up with, I just uploaded a ton of FSMas pics to Flickr. Check out the set here.

Till then, I’ll leave you with my x-mas card from 2005, which set this whole thing in motion. That, and my anti-theist/pro-pasta agenda.


FYI, diy instructions for the card:

1) Start with this photo and a copy of Photoshop;

2) Copy and paste in some x-mas clip art for the holly codpiece and Santa hat, then transform to scale;

3) Replace the black border with a red one;

4) Apply a red photo filter;

5) Type in your oh-so-clever title and FSMas greeting (I used the font “A Yummy Apology”);

6) Send to friends, relatives, and those right-wing wankers who clutter your inbox with urban legend forwards.

* OK, so that’s only half true. I’ve been able to re-purpose some traditional (but secular) x-mas decorations to fir my pasta-n-pirates theme. For example, red and gold garland have great crossover potential, since they’re the colors of red pasghetti sauce and gold doubloons.

** When I was in high school, I bought yards upon yards of funky fabric, with dreams of transforming a dozen or so pairs of tapered jeans into bell bottoms. That damn fabric is still sitting in my closet – two moves, 1100 miles, and 13+ years later. Musty as hell, too.

*** The Dollar Store is a goldmine for craft supplies. FSM booty galore!

I’ve been touched by angel hair pasta.

Monday, November 26th, 2007

Or, more accurately, it’s NASA that’s been caressed by His Noodliness:

2007-11-24 - FSMas Decorating - 0007

Eerily, I was blessed by my very first FSM sighting on the second day of a three-day FSMas craft spree. Coincidence? Nah, too yummy for mere chance.

WTF Amazon?!

Monday, November 19th, 2007

I logged onto Amazon this morning to check the status of my Jolly Roger flag order, and this is the Recommendations list that greeted me:

2007-11-19 - My Recommendations

I seriously do not appreciate the implications of Recommendation #6.

So not cool, guys.

Gemelli’s Greetings

Saturday, December 10th, 2005

Doing my part to wage war on Christmas…


Click here for a supersized plate of sacrilicious holiday wishes!