Mini-Review: Three-Year-Olds Are A**holes, Sarah Fader (2016)

Wednesday, May 18th, 2016

That escalated quickly.

four out of five stars

(Full disclosure: I received a free electronic ARC for review through NetGalley.)

Sammy would blow up entire planets just to get the pink jellybean instead of the white one. God love her, but she may as well have been Darth Vader.

This is the story of three-year-old Samantha – Sammy for short – who just wants to make a beautiful, sparkly rainbow. At three in the morning. On the bathroom floor, using mom’s birth control pills and body lotion as her medium.

Sammy kicks off her morning of mayhem by throwing mom’s cell in the toilet and peeing on it and, while mom is preoccupied scrubbing the bathroom clean, Sam sneaks out and –

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– nope, spoilers! Suffice it to say that things escalate quickly (and probably in a way that keeps parents awake at night). It’s rare that a book makes me LOL, but this particular scene did just that.

Three-Year-Olds Are A**holes is a silly picture book for adults that would make a most excellent gift for parents – expecting, new, old, doesn’t matter. I had the pleasure of reviewing this on NetGalley and was surprised to find a “send to Kindle” option in addition to the expected “download a protected pdf file,” which is the norm for books that are heavy on graphic elements (picture books, graphic novels, photography books). Not only is it easily readable on a Kindle, but I think it actually looks better: the grayscale coloring minimizes some of the harsh, contrasting colors of the artwork.

2016-04-23 - Outside with the Girls - 0017 [flickr]

Horrifying, innit?
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I suppose that some people will object outright to the title of the book (children are precious!), and I get it. But calling kids a-holes is both a term of endearment and a way of blowing off steam; acknowledging that parenting is a hard and frustrating and often thankless job. Sometimes you’ll get overwhelmed or annoyed, and that’s okay!

I do the same with my rescue dogs – who, while not exactly like kids, are family members just the same. They are (affectionately) my assholes and shitbags and little monsters. Whether it’s Mags, nipping my hand as I lift her onto the couch (at her request!), or Rennie, plopping her fat ass down on the bed as I try to make it, they can sometimes be awful (though not always intentionally so), and usually I just love them all the more for it.

2016-04-23 - Outside with the Girls - 0020 [flickr]

My thirteen-year-old asshole Mags, who always turns the other cheek when I try to take her picture. I thought teens these days lived for selfies, no?
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Pairs well with: Go the Fuck to Sleep; You Have to Fucking Eat.

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Mini-Review: Fowl Language: Welcome to Parenting, Brian Gordon (2016)

Monday, March 21st, 2016

Naps are objectively the best tho.

three out of five stars

(Full disclosure: I received a free ebook for review through NetGalley.)

Are you a mom or a dad? How wonderful and annoying for you!
Do you know someone who will soon have a baby? How exciting and terrifying for them!
Are your friends parents, too? Of course they are, those poor sons of bitches…

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then FOWL LANGUAGE is for you.
If you answered no, then congratulations, and feel free to sleep in this weekend!

Even though I’m childfree by choice, I picked up a copy of Fowl Language because a) who doesn’t love humorous web comics and b) I have adopted seven dogs over the years and caring for dogs can’t be completely different, right? Like, I’m pretty sure there’s got to be some overlap between asshole kids and asshole dogs.

Exhibit A: the only time my dogs let me sleep in is if the sky’s overcast and their bladders are close to empty. Otherwise I’m up with the sun, or at 2AM for a potty break. Sometimes, with the fosters, I even have to walk them out in the snow wearing nothing but slippers and a hoodie. They just can’t seem to pick the right spot unless I’m there to bear witness. Fun times. (And cats? It’s 4AM, or whenever they’re feeling insufficiently entertained. Shoot me now.)

Exhibits B through I: these comic strips, to which this dog person was totally able to relate.

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(Replace “covered in stickers” with “covered in dog hair” and this could be me.)

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