Everything is The Worst. [PINNED POST]

Thursday, August 17th, 2017

2002-06-30 - KCTrip-Day08 - Stop01-Nelson-AtkinsGrounds-016 - Kelly&Shane [kim]

Oh, to be twenty-something again.

Just a few days into the new year, my husband, partner, and best friend Shane P. Brady passed away of natural causes. I’m tempted to add scare quotes because there doesn’t seem anything natural about being struck down by a heart attack at 41. It feels pretty got-damn unnatural to me. I went to bed worried about our foster dog, B., who had been vomiting off and on all day; by the time I woke up, Shane was already gone.

To say that the last two hundred-odd days have been difficult … well, “difficult” doesn’t even begin to cover it. In less than four years, I’ve lost four dogs, a grandmother, and now my husband. My life – my heart – is in tatters.

I knew that 2017 was going to be terrible, but I had no idea. We had Trump to look forward to, of course; the guy who blundered his way into the White House, buoyed by a swell of white nationalism and misogyny, and was all but guaranteed to fuck everyone’s shit up. (I had to give up on the news for awhile; it was just too much for me to bear, on top of everything else.)

On a more personal note, I expected continuing dog drama into 2017 and beyond: my youngest remaining dog is Finnick, who will soon turn twelve; he’s followed by O-Ren (13) and Mags (13 going on 14). It’s not unreasonably fatalistic to think that I’ll lose one or more of them this year; sooner rather than later, certainly. And there have been some health scares, though thankfully nothing fatal thus far; most notably, O-Ren’s heart murmur worsened to the point that she had a rather alarming fainting spell in June. Now I have to monitor her resting respiratory rate on the daily, which focuses my attention on her health issues even more, thus feeding into an awful, gut-churning cycle of stress and anxiety. I’m also pretty sure that Mags is going blind (though I can no longer afford to take her to the ophthalmologist for something as frivolous as confirmation), and probably deaf too, but that at least is manageable. It just breaks my heart to watch their old bodies start to fail them, you know?

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