Today’s featured meal may be a Tom Haverfood, but imma break with protocol and stick to non-Tom gifs for a change. Because HOLY HELL are there a ton of Haverfoods on the menu, and I want to give some of my other favorite characters a little face time. Like April and Jeremy Jamm! Just not in the same frame ’cause I adore April and would never play her like that.

So Adam Sandlers are what Tom calls sandwiches (along with sammies and sandoozles) – and what better sammie to represent Mr. Sandler than (*drumroll please*) SLOPPY JOES?!?

Yeah, that’s right. You knew the Lunchlady Land jams were coming. (AGAIN.) You know me so well, mofos.

(More below the fold…)

The song: “Lunch Lady Land” by Adam Sandler (lyrics)

The foodstuff: Sloppy Joes (with a side of tater tots and carrot sticks) from Vegan Junk Food

The connection: “SLOPPY JOE, SLOP, SLOPPY JOE!”

Sloppy Joes, will make you feel twelve years old again!
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Initially I had hoped to pair this song with Tofutti frozen pizza – partially because everyone tells me that they’re reminiscent of the square-shaped, cheapo pizzas served in elementary school cafeterias across the US (in a good way!), but also because they’d make for a handy little “get of jail free” card for this mofo (in which “jail” = “the kitchen”) – but alas, none of my local specialty food stores carry them. I even have a free coupon, too! Phooey.

In the end, I’m actually kind of glad I had to make an honest-to-goodness meal. Because, really, how could I pair anything but Sloppy Joes with “Lunchlady Land”? It’s right there in the refrain:

sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe

Sloppy Joe is the hero of this song, fernoodleysakes!

Browsing my cookbook collection, I was torn between the Sloppy Joe recipe in Vegan Junk Food (TVP based) and the Snobby Joes in Veganomicon (lentils!). So I let the husband do the tiebreaking, and he opted for Vegan Junk Food.

A closer look at the “slop.”
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Good call! Lane Gold’s vegan Sloppy Joes are delicious and relatively easy to make. It’s been ages since I’ve had Sloppy Joes – well before my vegan or even vegetarian days – but Gold really nailed the taste and texture. The look, even! With the help of lots of tasty seasonings, like onion, garlic, vegan Worcestershire sauce, balsamic vinegar, tomato sauce, tomato paste, brown sugar, and possibly some other goodies that I can’t remember at the moment.

The hardest part is messing with the reconstituted TVP (texturized vegetable protein), which you have to soak in a mix of vegan beef broth, and then drain and pat dry with kitchen towels. I was able to get around wasting paper towels (or dirtying cloth ones; I wasn’t 100% sure which I was supposed to use) by pressing the TVP in a small salad drainer/colander. It has smaller holes than normal pasta colanders, so very little TVP escaped. Its tiny size also made it super-easy to catch most of the broth in a measuring cup; you add a little extra to the Sloppy Joe, um, “slop” for extra flavoring. Plan on making soup the next day with your leftover broth!

Served with tots and carrot sticks because, hello!, cafeteria food! Sweet potato tots would be a nice touch, but too fancy for today’s purposes.